Beach day!!!

Today we went to the beach for the first time since Colin was born. He did so awesome!! He loved looking at all of the sights he seemed to like it when I put his little toesies in the sand and water. I have a feeling he's going to be a little water baby for sure!

Aidan had a great time as usual too. I'm hoping to go to the beach much more often this year. We went in with my parents and bought a 10 x 10 canopy so we can get some relief from the son and that should make going to the beach much enticing with the baby.

Alex and I got sunburned pretty badly although his is MUCH worse than mine. I'm not looking forward to the next couple of days! Aidan of course just turned a darker shade of brown. He's always been my little brown bear... Photobomb time!! I know you're excited! :)

Little tiny toes :)

first time putting his feet in the ocean

Aidan and a couple of the girls

the aftermath... yikes! the back of my legs was even worse believe it or not...

5 Month Update...

Happy 5 Months baby boy!

Has it really been FIVE months already!?! It is hard to believe how quickly times passes once you have kids. It is truely gone in an instant. I love watching Colin grow and change but there are definitely times I wish that I could stop the clock and enjoy these little baby moments just a bit longer. Colin is getting such a personality! Just over the last two weeks he has developed so much and is really becoming his own little person.

He weighs 13.5 lbs now and is 24 inches tall and is still wearing size 1 diapers and 0-3 month clothes. He looks like a little mini baby next to all of the babies his age but I know that is because he was 6 weeks early. He'll grow! He is eating every 2-3 hours although it seems that lately he would just like to nurse ALL.THE.TIME. I admit it does get very exhausting but it's only for a season. We haven't started any baby food yet and I'll admit I'm not in a big hurry. I plan to start some when he is 6 months old though so not too much longer!

Let's see.... since he turned 4 months old, Colin has learned to roll over from his back to his tummy, he can sit up unassisted for quite a while and he has just recently started getting up on his hands and knees. I'll have to say though that the cutest thing he started doing this month was laughing. It is definitely one of the cutest things I have ever seen. He laughs so hard and so long that he ends up with hiccups! Adorable!! He also has learned a new "trick". If we tap our fingers on his mouth he immediately starts "talking" so that it makes a funny noise. It took him just a couple of days to figure it out and now he does it every time without fail. Such a smart little baby.

Aidan is just being a crazy little boy as usual! He LOVES his brother still and is constantly in his face trying to give him kisses. I feel like half of my day is spent telling him to give Colin some space. I told him to pretend that Colin is in a bubble and we can't pop it. "Don't pop the bubble Aidan!" is the reminder that I often tell him and although he does back off, he only remembers for about 2 minutes... *Sigh*

Aidan also informed me that he has a new girlfriend now. She is one of my sister's friends and is 15 years old. I guess he likes older women :) Silly boy...

As for me, well I finally decided to go see the doctor about all of the issues I am still having (i.e. nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, etc.) because it has continued to get much worse. I can't remember the last night that I slept and didn't have a nightmare. It's awful and I'm tired all the time. Anyway, I did make myself go finally because I know that I'm not going to be able to function and care for my family if I keep going on like this. He diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from my very awful pregnancy, hospitalization etc. I'm not glad that I have PTSD but I am thankful to have a diagnosis at least because I was beginning to think I was crazy! I have started excercising regularly again and am also doing other things to help with the PTSD because I am more than ready to feel like me again. I'm sure Alex will appreciate when I'm back to normal also. Poor guy! I'm glad he meant our wedding vows when he said them because we have definitely been tested in the "in sickness and in health" department this past year. I'm so thankful for him!

So that is all of the updates for now! Get ready for a gazillion pictures!!

I love this silly boy! He was giggling and couldn't keep his eyes open ;)

passed out on mommy's bed

He makes this face and he can get whatever he wants <3

just another Saturday morning with my boys

yay! Smiles from both of them at once!!

This boy wants to move!

Let the nesting begin!!

Time to decorate the nursery!!

I know, I know, I'm several months late on this but better late than never I guess. I am ready to decorate Colin's room! I have had it all planned out for a while but I needed to build up enough strength to actually be able to put my plan into motion. Alex and I painted his room this week and just today I ordered his crib! I am planning on making most of the decorations but you'll have to wait and see what I'm going to do in there. Stay tuned! Hopefully it won't be long and I'll be posting a photobomb!!

I have big plans for Colin's room and can't wait to see how it all turns out!!! 

All of Me...

You're gonna have all of me...

Have you ever heard a song that just fits your situation perfectly? When every time you hear it it feels like it was written about you... The kind that spurs memories (whether good or bad) and effects you so deeply that every time you hear it you get emotional? I'm sure most people have (either that or I'm just weird!)... Anyway, there is a song by Matt Hammitt called "All of Me" and that is "my" song. Hammitt wrote the song during a very hard time in his life when he discovered that his unborn son had a heart defect. You can find his story here. I actually didn't even know the story behind the song until well after it became "mine" but now that I know why it was written the words mean even more to me...

When I was pregnant with Colin I was so sick that more often than not I actually "forgot" that I was pregnant at all. I didn't feel happy and anxious to meet my little guy because I  felt so sick and that just drowned out any excitement I would have otherwise had. I was afraid that with as little as I was eating and as bad as I felt that something bad was going to happen to him. I am sad to even say this but there were many weeks when I think I resented him for making me so sick (not that it was ever his fault but dehydration has a way of messing with your mind). I never admitted that to anyone at the time and I feel very guilty now that those thoughts even crossed my mind but that's just the reality of it. I couldn't even talk about possible names for him for a very long time - much different than I felt when pregnant with Aidan.

At 28 weeks when I was admitted to the hospital I was finally beginning to realize that I wasn't just sick for no reason and that I would have a beautiful baby boy at the end of the nightmare I had been living in so long. In fact, Alex and I had FINALLY decided on a name for him just one week before I was put in the hospital and we shared the name with our families on Thanksgiving day.

When I went to the hospital for my blood clots, it was up in the air for 6 days whether I would be able to go home or if I should stay in the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy. I wanted to go home so badly but I knew that if I did, and my blood clots moved to my lungs (which they did end up doing) and cause a major problem that Colin wouldn't stand a chance if I was at home 45 minutes away from my hospital. It was in those moments that I finally started forming a bond with Colin. I realized that I would do anything for him - even if that meant being away from my family and staying in the hospital.

I couldn't just ignore the fact that I was pregnant anymore, I HAD to acknowledge it or I never would have been able to agree to stay in that hospital. During those lonely weeks I became more and more attached to him. How could I not? He was the only person I could talk to most of the time because other than him I was by myself quite a bit...

As my realization of him grew I also became ultra protective. I was terrified that after all of this and after finally bonding with him that something bad was going to happen. I know that isn't a good way to think but I had way too much time on my hands and my mind would wander. When his heart rate started decelerating a couple of days before he was born I just about fell apart. I was talking to him and BEGGING him to wake up and not leave me. I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened.

Even though the experience of staying in the hospital was probably one of the toughest things I have had to deal with, I am thankful that I had that time to become attached to my little boy. I now have a special bond with him that is different than what Aidan and I have. Don't get me wrong, I love Aidan and would give my life for him but it is just different from my bond with Colin.

Hopefully I can get over my majorly overprotective feelings for Colin for his sake but I think it will just take time... Besides, as of right now, he is a momma's boy all the way. If I hand him off to anyone he is crying and screaming within a few minutes. I just love this little boy!!

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away

And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I'd trade the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

Sometimes it is hard to become close to someone because we are scared. Scared of losing them, scared that we might be hurt, just SCARED. I realized in the hospital that none of that could matter. I HAD to get past my fear of losing him and stop focusing on the way I felt and realize that God gave me a little boy that needed me - no matter what I had to do to get him here, I was willing to give it my best shot... Colin deserved ALL OF ME and he WAS worth it!

The 40 Minute Intruder....

 Take that 40 minute intruder!!

If you have ever had a baby you most likely already know what I am referring to by the "40 minute intruder"... In the last month or so Colin has started waking up just 40 minutes into his nap. When we picked him up though he was still tired and it made the days pretty miserable. I did some research on handy dandy Google to see if there was a reason he was waking up like this and if it was "normal". Well apparently it is pretty common... A sleep cycle lasts roughly 40 minutes and at the end of that 40 minutes we wake up a little bit. As adults we don't ever remember waking up and we quickly go back to sleep for another cycle but babies don't know how to do that at first. Babies have to be taught how to move past this cycle. I knew that something had to be done though, he was tired all the time and taking about 5-6 40 minute naps each day. It was hard to plan for anything since he only likes sleeping in his bed.

I decided to wait and see what would happen if I didn't rush in to pick him up and to my surprise he went back to sleep within 5 mintues or so. He didn't even cry really, just whimpered a little and ended up talking to himself. It was actually pretty cute! He slept for a total of an hour and a half that time - MUCH better!! The second nap I did the same thing except this time he only made a couple of noises before drifting off to sleep. Didn't cry or anything. Now he is consistently taking 1 1/2 - 2 hour naps (when we are home) without fussing at all. Sometimes I'll hear him talking to himself at the 40 minute mark but it never lasts long!! Take that 40 minute intruder!! We've got you beat!!

Here's just a little bit of cuteness :)

End of the Season...

End of soccer season...

This spring Aidan played on a soccer team for the first time. There is not much that is cuter than a bunch of four year olds trying to figure out what to do when they finally get a hold of that ball. Many times they would just keep going after it no matter what - even when they were waaaayyyyy out of bounds. Too cute! The first game Aidan was too scared to cut in and take the ball from the other team and the game ended with him crying on the sidelines because he only scored one "goalie" and he wanted to score again and again. By the end of the season, not only had he scored several goals but he has learned to get in there and take the ball more (even from his own team mates - we'll have to work on that!). No more tears at all either!!

I knew that he would like playing soccer (it is his mommy's favorite sport to play after all) but I had no clue how much he would LOVE it! We would come home after his games on Saturdays and he would start asking immediately when the next one was! When the next Saturday would finally come he would wake Alex and I up early and ask us every 2 minutes, "Is it time to go yet!?!". I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not, he really did ask that often!

Today he had his final game of the season, comlete with a medal and all! We are definitlely going to be putting him back in soccer in the fall but until then, I will have to find some major distractions for him! 

Mentioning the fall soccer season just reminded me that he will be starting pre-K this August and now I'm sad... **tears**  My baby is growing up!!

Here are some pictures of my cutie having the time of his life...



Gotta stay hydrated!!



He's going for it!

I took this right after he scored his first goal. He was so proud!!

I just love this little guy :)

Oh Sleep, Where Art Thou!?!

Oh Sleep, Where Art Thou!?!

I don't know about any of you, but I NEED my sleep. I am not a very fun person to be around when I am tired... Unfortunately for everyone close to me, I haven't had good sleep in weeks!!

I know what you are thinking - I have a 4 month old (2.5 months adjusted age) so OF COURSE I'm low on sleep!! I wish it were that simple but sadly he isn't the one keeping me awake. I am the one keeping me awake... Ahhhhh....

I lie in bed every night completely exhausted yet I can not fall asleep. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it but it is driving me crazy!! By the time I doze off, Colin wakes up to eat for the first time or Aidan gets up because there is an imaginary spider in his bed! Oh my!

On top of my own insomnia, it seems that Colin is either teething or going through the so - called "4 month sleep regression". He woke me up 5 or 6 times the last two nights. I find myself pleading with him at 4 in the morning and BEGGING him to just let me sleep because I MUST get some sleep. He never seems to understand though... :)

What is worse than any of this is the fact that I've been having terrible, horrifying nightmares almost every night. I think that this may be one reason I am not able to fall asleep in the first place. I am afraid that if I fall asleep I might experience yet another nightmare.... Usually the nightmares are centered around pregnancy or something pregnancy related. Other times, it is related to being held captive in the hospital and not being allowed to escape (and no, I'm NOT referring to a mental hospital!!). If you are familiar with my pregnancy story these things will make more sense.

Just last night I woke up in tears just 45 short minutes after falling asleep because of the dream nightmare I was having. What in the world!? I think I'm losing it!! Here's how the dream went... Alex and I decided sometime in the future that we wanted to have another baby and for some reason the way to achieve that (in my dream) was for me to take some kind of medication. The medication would ensure 100% that I would get pregnant immediately. I took the medication and instantly regretted it. What was I doing!? I'm too weak! I'm not good at being pregnant! Everyone was going to be mad at me! I was begging Alex to do something to prevent me from being pregnant but it was too late. I was completely panicking and hyperventilating at the thought that I was pregnant...


I woke up in tears because I was just so terrified. I just wasn't strong enough... Now obviously I know that the nightmares don't mean anything. Even while I am sleeping I try to wake myself up when I am having them because I know that they are not reality. I know that the idea that I could become pregnant by swallowing a pill is completely absurd (I've got two kids, believe me - I KNOW where babies come from)! It still somehow gets to me though.

All I know is that I can't keep doing this every single night. I'm afraid to sleep yet I'm so extremely tired. I can't (and don't want to) take something to make me sleep because I need to be there for Colin (and Aidan's imaginary spiders).  

I am really hoping that Colin starts sleeping more soundly like he usually does and that the nightmares STOP. I can't take this much longer!! My Hyperemesis effected me so much more than I thought it could and I'm at a total loss as to how to "fix" myself. I wish it was simple and I wish that it had just gone away the moment I held Colin in my arms but alas, it did not. Now it's time to pick up the pieces and put the puzzle that is my life back together. I just hope I'm not missing any pieces!!!