Wednesday, October 16, 2013

One Year...

One year ago today

I had one of the most (mentally) difficult days I have ever experienced. I was feeling nauseated which is something I wish I never had to feel again and I decided to take a pregnancy test to "put my mind at ease". Well we all know how that worked out!! I was in shock and I LOST IT!! Alex was at work, Aidan was at his Maia's house, and I was home alone with 9 month old Colin. Thankfully a good friend stayed online to talk to me and try to calm me down for an hour and a half until Alex was home from work. 

I remember feeling shock (I had an IUD in, I should not have been pregnant!). I remember feeling guilt that Colin was so young still and I didn't know if/how I'd be able to care for him if I had hyperemesis again. I remember feeling terrified of going through another pregnancy, and so many other things too. I didn't even register the fact that I was going to have a baby - all I could think about is that I did not want to be pregnant. Even though I wasn't thinking about the baby at the end I do remember one of the first things Alex said was, "we are going to have THREE kids"! Haha, men. 

Now here we are one year later and we did it! I survived 207 days of being nauseated and throwing up, weeks of not being able to really eat or drink anything at all, a 20 pound weight loss, over 500 painful blood thinner injections in my stomach, three picc lines, daily Iv hydration and meds, preterm labor, the flu at 27 weeks, a 34 week birth, and a 12 day NICU stay. Now we have a daughter we never thought we would have and my boys were well loved by our families even when I wasn't able to be there for them and these are the most important things! 

I'm not completely better even though I'm no longer pregnant. If only it were that easy! I still have a lot of anxiety, my stomach is sensitive, I have awful nightmares, and the most random things will send me into a panic attack but I know all of these things will get better with time. I have been using exercise as my outlet and it really seems to help. I notice a big increase in anxiety when I miss a few days of working out. For right now working out is my anti anxiety "drug" and I hope to keep it that way. 

A lot of people have asked me if it (hyperemesis) was "worth it" and I guess it depends on a person's definition of the phrase. I usually say "yes" because that is what I am expected to say but it's more complicated than that. It definitely isn't worth it to me to get pregnant again to have another baby but if you ask me if I would do it again for Colin and Skylar the answer would be absolutely 100 times YES! I would do anything in the world for my kids. I'm just glad that my pregnancy with Skylar was a surprise because even though I wasn't sure I was done having kids before her, I never would have been able to choose to go through hyperemesis again... Ever. 

I am so amazed that something so so ugly (hyperemesis) can result in something so extremely beautiful. Here is my tougHGuy Colin and my tougHGirl Skylar. 


I am so thankful for all of the people that were there for us during the past two years - family, friends, my doctor, nurses (that became my friends!), and just everyone who had a hand in making sure we were taken care of. I don't know where we would have been without all of the support!!