I'm not really sure where to start here but in the past when something has happened it has always helped me to write about it. If you've ever read my pregnancy blog posts then this post will make a lot more sense but if not feel free to go check them out HERE (Colin's story) and HERE (Skylar's story). If you don't feel like going back to read then no worries.
I'm sharing this because it really helps me to talk about it and process it all and because my friends and family who do know have really helped make this bearable for me. I can't imagine going through all of this alone. It's way too much to handle.
Let's just say that my pregnancies are horrible and dangerous and because of that Alex and I decided to take all necessary steps to prevent it from ever happening again. Plus, let me just be honest and say that I'm at my limit with three kids. They keep us pretty busy!! The day after Skylar was born (it'll be 5 years on May 10th!) I had a tubal ligation done. The doctor cut a section out of each of my tubes and voila! No more possibilities for pregnancy. Or so we thought....
A couple of weeks ago I started not feeling well and I thought nothing of it at first because I can't get pregnant but after it persisted I went ahead and took a test to "rule it out". Not the first time I've done this and not the first time I was shocked to see it turn POSITIVE (remember that Skylar is an IUD baby). The next week was spent going to the dr multiple times for blood tests and while I was in fact pregnant, my hcg levels were dropping which indicates an impending miscarriage. This week I will be having surgery to have both tubes completely removed and also a D&C if necessary.
I have gone through every emotion possible for the past couple of weeks: shock, anger, sadness, impending doom, hope, relief, more sadness and a million others that I don't even have words for. It's confusing to find out you're pregnant with a baby you never planned to have and then find out soon after that it isn't going to be viable after all. I still have some pregnancy symptoms, though today I've noticed some improvement, and my brain is so overwhelmed and confused.
I'm sharing this because it really helps me to talk about it and process it all and because my friends and family who do know have really helped make this bearable for me. I can't imagine going through all of this alone. It's way too much to handle.
I really wish I knew the reason for all of this. Maybe one day I will, or maybe not.... What I do know is that I've got an amazing husband, 3 amazing kids, family and the best doctor and friends that I could ever hope for.
That's pretty much it. On Wednesday my dr will look at my tubes during surgery to see how they magically reconnected themselves or whatever. I'm quite curious to hear and if he finds anything I'll post an update once I'm up to it.
Maybe I'll be better about blogging again but let's face it - I've got 3 kids and a giant Great Dane puppy so it's probably not likely 😏
*UPDATE* Surgery went well yesterday. I'm pretty sore but it's bearable. When my doctor did my first tubal he removed about 3 centimeters from each side. Upon close examination he found that my left tube managed to create a channel and reconnect itself. He took pictures and gave them to me but I'll spare you from those. :) This is an extremely rare occurrence and all of nurses and anesthesiologists had something to say about it since they had never seen this happen with the kind of tubal that I had. Now I have no tubes at all on either side so there is nothing to grow back and I will not get pregnant ever again. I'm thankful to have the surgery done so I can start the healing process (physically and emotionally) and move on. Thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers!
*UPDATE - one week post op* Well this past week has gone really fast thankfully! Physically I'm healing really well and was really only sore for the first few days. Honestly most of the soreness was in my ribs and shoulder from the lovely gas they pump you full of during laparoscopic surgery. I'm still in disbelief that all of this happened and I'm pretty sure my hormones are still a little crazy. I'll blame my moods on that anyway just because I can. I've been walking at least 3.5 miles a day since day 4 and that's been going well so hopefully I can get back to the gym soon. I was just cleared to go back to the gym before all of this happened so it’s frustrating! In the mean time I figure between the walking and my blood thinner injections I have a great chance of not having any DVTs again. On that note, Colin has been helping give my Lovenox injections and he LOVES it. I'm not sure if I should be proud or worried that he likes stabbing me so much lol.
Right now I'm switching my focus to Skylar's 5th birthday which is in ONE WEEK!!! How is that even possible? I have yet to plan a birthday party or anything yet so I'd better get right on that... This is probably the last update I'll do on this unless something interesting happens at my post op next week.
*UPDATE - one week post op* Well this past week has gone really fast thankfully! Physically I'm healing really well and was really only sore for the first few days. Honestly most of the soreness was in my ribs and shoulder from the lovely gas they pump you full of during laparoscopic surgery. I'm still in disbelief that all of this happened and I'm pretty sure my hormones are still a little crazy. I'll blame my moods on that anyway just because I can. I've been walking at least 3.5 miles a day since day 4 and that's been going well so hopefully I can get back to the gym soon. I was just cleared to go back to the gym before all of this happened so it’s frustrating! In the mean time I figure between the walking and my blood thinner injections I have a great chance of not having any DVTs again. On that note, Colin has been helping give my Lovenox injections and he LOVES it. I'm not sure if I should be proud or worried that he likes stabbing me so much lol.
Right now I'm switching my focus to Skylar's 5th birthday which is in ONE WEEK!!! How is that even possible? I have yet to plan a birthday party or anything yet so I'd better get right on that... This is probably the last update I'll do on this unless something interesting happens at my post op next week.
My heart hurts for you. It's a lonely road to walk through a miscarriage. I never understood and still don't understand the why of my losses. The emotions they brought and still bring are tough to deal with and process. I do know that God is sovereign and will be with us through everything. We may never know the reason, but we can rest in His goodness and that he is with us. I pray for comfort for you and peace.
ReplyDeleteSweet Tricia Soo hard to deal with all this! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteContinued prayers and support
ReplyDeleteTricia, you have no idea what your blog has meant to me over the years. I will be forever grateful for the most accurate description of HG pregnancies I've ever read. I am writing a book unrelated to HG, but it will have my HG story in it. I would love to have your permission to quote your description in the book and give you credit. You can contact me directly if desired at loyce at parnic dot com.
ReplyDelete