Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Coming home...

Coming home from my long stay at the hospital has not been easy. It seems like it would be no big deal and I should be so thrilled to be home (and I am - believe me) but there is so much more to it than that. I was so ready to be home but at the same time I felt very unprepared. There were so many emotions coursing through me on the way home that I didn't now what to do with them all. I cried because I was happy, I cried because I couldn't believe we were actually able to take Colin home right away, I cried because I was going to miss my nurses that took care of me for so long, and I cried because I was scared. It feels like life went on as usual while I was in the hospital - just without me... I was afraid that I wasn't going to "fit in" anymore. I was afraid that Aidan wouldn't want anything to do with me because I had been gone for so long. It was all so strange. Add some hormones from having a baby in the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster. I didn't feel like I was "needed" anymore. Alex was so used to being mommy and daddy while I was gone that it was just second nature to him.

 The day after I came home, Aidan needed to have socks on and I told Aidan to come to me so I could help him. Well, guess what? He didn't need my help, he had learned to put his own socks on while I was sitting in a hospital bed. He also stopped wearing pull-ups to bed, grew too tall for some of his pants, and other little things changed too. I know that these seem like small, unimportant things but at that moment, they were very BIG things to me. Everytime Alex would go out into the garage to work on one of his hobbies or projects, it would make me cry. I am pretty sure he thought I had lost my mind because in the 8 years he has known me I have never been a cryer. I tried explaining to him that everytime he walked out of my hospital room it meant he was leaving me so it felt like the same thing was happening when he would walk out of the house. No, it doesn't make sense, but when do feelings ever make complete sense?

Over these first few weeks I have been getting used to being home again. I was stuck in one place for so many weeks that it is strange knowing I had the freedom to walk outside, drive my car, and many other "normal" things that I previously took for granted. I'm trying to be less clingy to Alex and remind myself that he isn't leaving. I love being back in my home, back in my own bed, and spending every minute that I can with my family. I still have nightmares about going to the hospital and not being allowed to leave but they are getting less frequent thankfully. It's a process, but I'm working on it...

I'm not sure who took this picture but this was taken just a few minutes after we got home from the hospital. After Aidan met Colin and was able to hold him, I passed the baby off to my sister and picked Aidan up and just completely fell apart. I think Aidan thought I wan't happy since I was crying but that could not have been further from the truth. Coming home and holding him made me realize just how much I missed being home with my family...

This is Aidan's first time meeting Colin. He never saw him in the hospital since Colin spent some time in the NICU and Aidan wasn't allowed to come in there. He loves him!!

This is my sister's first time holding Colin. I think she likes him a little :)

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