Friday, May 18, 2012

Oh Sleep, Where Art Thou!?!

Oh Sleep, Where Art Thou!?!

I don't know about any of you, but I NEED my sleep. I am not a very fun person to be around when I am tired... Unfortunately for everyone close to me, I haven't had good sleep in weeks!!

I know what you are thinking - I have a 4 month old (2.5 months adjusted age) so OF COURSE I'm low on sleep!! I wish it were that simple but sadly he isn't the one keeping me awake. I am the one keeping me awake... Ahhhhh....

I lie in bed every night completely exhausted yet I can not fall asleep. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it but it is driving me crazy!! By the time I doze off, Colin wakes up to eat for the first time or Aidan gets up because there is an imaginary spider in his bed! Oh my!

On top of my own insomnia, it seems that Colin is either teething or going through the so - called "4 month sleep regression". He woke me up 5 or 6 times the last two nights. I find myself pleading with him at 4 in the morning and BEGGING him to just let me sleep because I MUST get some sleep. He never seems to understand though... :)

What is worse than any of this is the fact that I've been having terrible, horrifying nightmares almost every night. I think that this may be one reason I am not able to fall asleep in the first place. I am afraid that if I fall asleep I might experience yet another nightmare.... Usually the nightmares are centered around pregnancy or something pregnancy related. Other times, it is related to being held captive in the hospital and not being allowed to escape (and no, I'm NOT referring to a mental hospital!!). If you are familiar with my pregnancy story these things will make more sense.

Just last night I woke up in tears just 45 short minutes after falling asleep because of the dream nightmare I was having. What in the world!? I think I'm losing it!! Here's how the dream went... Alex and I decided sometime in the future that we wanted to have another baby and for some reason the way to achieve that (in my dream) was for me to take some kind of medication. The medication would ensure 100% that I would get pregnant immediately. I took the medication and instantly regretted it. What was I doing!? I'm too weak! I'm not good at being pregnant! Everyone was going to be mad at me! I was begging Alex to do something to prevent me from being pregnant but it was too late. I was completely panicking and hyperventilating at the thought that I was pregnant...

I woke up in tears because I was just so terrified. I just wasn't strong enough... Now obviously I know that the nightmares don't mean anything. Even while I am sleeping I try to wake myself up when I am having them because I know that they are not reality. I know that the idea that I could become pregnant by swallowing a pill is completely absurd (I've got two kids, believe me - I KNOW where babies come from)! It still somehow gets to me though.

All I know is that I can't keep doing this every single night. I'm afraid to sleep yet I'm so extremely tired. I can't (and don't want to) take something to make me sleep because I need to be there for Colin (and Aidan's imaginary spiders).  

I am really hoping that Colin starts sleeping more soundly like he usually does and that the nightmares STOP. I can't take this much longer!! My Hyperemesis effected me so much more than I thought it could and I'm at a total loss as to how to "fix" myself. I wish it was simple and I wish that it had just gone away the moment I held Colin in my arms but alas, it did not. Now it's time to pick up the pieces and put the puzzle that is my life back together. I just hope I'm not missing any pieces!!!

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