All of Me...

You're gonna have all of me...

Have you ever heard a song that just fits your situation perfectly? When every time you hear it it feels like it was written about you... The kind that spurs memories (whether good or bad) and effects you so deeply that every time you hear it you get emotional? I'm sure most people have (either that or I'm just weird!)... Anyway, there is a song by Matt Hammitt called "All of Me" and that is "my" song. Hammitt wrote the song during a very hard time in his life when he discovered that his unborn son had a heart defect. You can find his story here. I actually didn't even know the story behind the song until well after it became "mine" but now that I know why it was written the words mean even more to me...

When I was pregnant with Colin I was so sick that more often than not I actually "forgot" that I was pregnant at all. I didn't feel happy and anxious to meet my little guy because I  felt so sick and that just drowned out any excitement I would have otherwise had. I was afraid that with as little as I was eating and as bad as I felt that something bad was going to happen to him. I am sad to even say this but there were many weeks when I think I resented him for making me so sick (not that it was ever his fault but dehydration has a way of messing with your mind). I never admitted that to anyone at the time and I feel very guilty now that those thoughts even crossed my mind but that's just the reality of it. I couldn't even talk about possible names for him for a very long time - much different than I felt when pregnant with Aidan.

At 28 weeks when I was admitted to the hospital I was finally beginning to realize that I wasn't just sick for no reason and that I would have a beautiful baby boy at the end of the nightmare I had been living in so long. In fact, Alex and I had FINALLY decided on a name for him just one week before I was put in the hospital and we shared the name with our families on Thanksgiving day.

When I went to the hospital for my blood clots, it was up in the air for 6 days whether I would be able to go home or if I should stay in the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy. I wanted to go home so badly but I knew that if I did, and my blood clots moved to my lungs (which they did end up doing) and cause a major problem that Colin wouldn't stand a chance if I was at home 45 minutes away from my hospital. It was in those moments that I finally started forming a bond with Colin. I realized that I would do anything for him - even if that meant being away from my family and staying in the hospital.

I couldn't just ignore the fact that I was pregnant anymore, I HAD to acknowledge it or I never would have been able to agree to stay in that hospital. During those lonely weeks I became more and more attached to him. How could I not? He was the only person I could talk to most of the time because other than him I was by myself quite a bit...

As my realization of him grew I also became ultra protective. I was terrified that after all of this and after finally bonding with him that something bad was going to happen. I know that isn't a good way to think but I had way too much time on my hands and my mind would wander. When his heart rate started decelerating a couple of days before he was born I just about fell apart. I was talking to him and BEGGING him to wake up and not leave me. I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened.

Even though the experience of staying in the hospital was probably one of the toughest things I have had to deal with, I am thankful that I had that time to become attached to my little boy. I now have a special bond with him that is different than what Aidan and I have. Don't get me wrong, I love Aidan and would give my life for him but it is just different from my bond with Colin.

Hopefully I can get over my majorly overprotective feelings for Colin for his sake but I think it will just take time... Besides, as of right now, he is a momma's boy all the way. If I hand him off to anyone he is crying and screaming within a few minutes. I just love this little boy!!

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away

And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I'd trade the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

Sometimes it is hard to become close to someone because we are scared. Scared of losing them, scared that we might be hurt, just SCARED. I realized in the hospital that none of that could matter. I HAD to get past my fear of losing him and stop focusing on the way I felt and realize that God gave me a little boy that needed me - no matter what I had to do to get him here, I was willing to give it my best shot... Colin deserved ALL OF ME and he WAS worth it!